I'm
writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did
notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind
was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new
silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I pr ayed that it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I
still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.